Someone has an amazing power over me. He doesn’t know it. He is the reason I wake up at 3 a.m. and fight back tears. If only I could tell this person how I really feel. If only I could tell him his smile excites me and his eyes make me weak in the knees. Sadly, that is where it ends – because in reality you don’t always get to be with the person you like. This is not Sixteen Candles and I am not the black Molly Ringwald. The hardest part to deal with is not having the friendship with the person anymore. It’s understandable for someone to not like you back. I know people have preferences. Yet, to be denied a friendship with the person is devastating. I believe we were a good working duo while it lasted. Time for me to finally move on.
How do you attempt to live the life you think you deserve? Am I a bad person for wanting to live comfortably with some nice clothes, travel a little, and attend fancy social events from time to time? I hope not. I give back to charities and church. I am not all-consumed in my own life. Life is what you make it and I want to be happy. I want to have a career that allows me to be creative, thought-provoking, fun and all about bettering society. I do believe one person can change a slice of the world by themselves. If one person can make a difference than imagine what 20 people can do? How about 50 or 100 people! I want to start off as that one person. If people see what I am trying to accomplish hopefully they will want to participate and it all snowballs into something greater.
Inner peace is the ultimate goal. To love the skin you are in is magic. I know I am challenging to like and to love. I still seek guidance in dealing with negative energy. I was afraid of my own light and dark this past year. Yes, I am light and I am dark at different times. Light is when your smile is infectious and your positivity sits on your bones. Dark is when your smile turns upside down and you run off when you are in an uncomfortable space. Everyone on this Earth is both just like myself. The difference is that I didn’t own it! In 2016 I couldn’t own my sparkle or my shade. This year for the first time in a long time I only existed in the shadows. I hid. I cried. I shut down. I had some health issues and didn’t know how to process any of it. Moving forward I want to have the strength to fight. I don’t want to continue to back down going into 2017.
God follows me. I pray for my family, friends, and humanity. I wake up everyday with hope. Many people are good. They try their best and want the best for others. There are some narcissists out there. They will always exist. Those of us that want the best for our communities must maintain majority over the few selfish people out there. I pray. I have faith in humanity. I believe as the Bible states – faith without works is dead. We all should teach the children in our lives how to be respectful and how to think for themselves. Right is right and wrong is wrong. Discrimination of any kind is just wrong. Period.
Love is love is love is love. ♥♥♥ Spread more love. Allow yourself to be loved. This is what I want for myself in 2017. I push love away. I push it away when it is coming from family…sometimes it is love from friends…and sometimes it is love from the person I really like. They become vulnerable in front of me but I don’t return the favor. They give me $100 and I give them $40 back and that’s not cool. Uneven exchanges are not pleasant. I want that to end. I want to feel deserving of love. I want to give $100 when I get $100.
Side Note: I realize many celebrities passed on this year. I won’t mention everyone. I just want to focus on the few that had an impact on my life. These were not perfect people but no one is.
Muhammad Ali – Internationally known boxing champion and activist. He was from my hometown of Louisville, Kentucky. I didn’t know him personally but I knew people who did. His childhood home was a few streets from where my father grew up. When my father was just a kid he would see Mr. Ali jog around the neighborhood. He was a pride in our small city. I was so happy my city gave him the great send-off he deserved. This was a black man that spoke out against injustice way before many people did in Kentucky. He was not afraid. He taught those that came after him to also not be afraid and speak up.
Harper Lee – author who was specifically known for the Pulitzer Prize-winning bestseller “To Kill A Mockingbird”. There aren’t enough words to explain how she influenced me as a person and a writer. I wrote a post after she passed. It can be found here: Harper Lee – Thank You!
Gwen Ifill – TV journalist and author most known for being on PBS NewsHour and Washington Week. She meant so much to me as a black female who wanted to be a journalist. She was well-respected and much appreciated. I originally went to college in 1998 to be a journalist. I studied for three years before changing my mind to another major. Nevertheless, I didn’t stop my enjoyment of the craft of writing and reporting.
Prince – I wrote a post about him immediately after he passed. It can be found here: Prince – R.I.P.
Prince Be – (lead singer of P.M. Dawn). P.M. Dawn was a pop/alt/hip-hop/R&B duo in the 1990s. The duo sampled “Father Figure” by George Michael for their song “Looking Through Patient Eyes”. My favorite song by them was “I’D Die Without You.” I loved this singer because he and his music partner had a different vibe than many black artists of their day. You could picture them probably hanging out chanting, drinking herbal tea, and lighting incense. They were like modern day black hippies. They were pop – but not too pop. They were hip-hop but not too hip-hop. They were R&B – but not too R&B. They were alternative – but not too alternative. They were a genre unto themselves and I loved it.
Phife Dawg – (one of the founding members of A Tribe Called Quest). A Tribe Called Quest (ATCQ) was my favorite rap group growing up. I didn’t actually like rap as a kid. I was very young in the 1980s when N.W.A. became popular. I hated their music. Even as a young kid I knew their lyrics were very misogynistic. I wasn’t down for it at all. I discovered ATCQ as a teenager. I was drawn to them at first because they used so many jazz samples. Jazz was very much apart of my childhood. My father played a lot of jazz records. I fell in love. ATCQ was the first rap group I knew of that incorporated jazz into their songs. Lyrically they were on another level as well – especially Phife Dawg.
George Michael – The song that I enjoyed the most as a little girl was Wham’s “Everything She Wants”. I was very young and didn’t quite understand the lyrics. What I did know was that the lead singer had an amazing voice. George Michael was considered what many in the black community called “blue-eyed soul”. The person didn’t have to have blue eyes – it was just a way to say …this is a white singer that sounds like a soul singer. It was a compliment. These were the singers that received a lot of respect by black people – especially when they were honest about being influenced by black artists. Many of the “blue-eyed soul” singers of the 1980s were directly influenced by Motown. They never denied it. George Michael went on to have a solo career with more great songs like “Freedom” from 1990.
Alan Thicke – One of my all-time favorite TV Dads. He was just a cool TV Dad that mixed humor with great life lessons. It was a show that didn’t take itself too seriously. I was very surprised and saddened by his untimely death. Growing Pains was such a fun show. Alan was such a talented man who also wrote and produced.
Peace and blessings in the New Year!!!