My quirky tendencies keep me locked out. Pinned down. Isolated on the WTH Ship. Who really understands my need to dance to “Linus and Lucy” (Peanuts theme) at random times? My wish to poke people (yes…poke them to in the ribs) because it’s funny. How do I even begin to explain my desire to run up to a random person and point at them and say “You!” and run off amused. Can I dance on tables at fancy restaurants? I really really want to! Would anyone understand? When is it going to be OK for me to embrace my quirky?
My problem is that I keep thinking I need permission. I ask myself daily, “Is it OK…if I embrace my quirky?” When I step outside my front door and prepare for my day – will I end up doing something that I will have to explain later? It is so difficult to find people who totally “get me”. I am an acquired taste. I understand that now and trying to own it.
A guy friend of mine told me about a month ago that I was weird. I honestly didn’t know how to interpret that observation. He was quick to tell me that he didn’t have a problem with it and I should continue to just be myself. I became self-conscious after that conversation. I know I’m weird, but no one had ever said it to me. It made it so much more real and true. I couldn’t just run from the word. I am weird. I am quirky. I am eccentric. The word ‘weird’ felt a little insulting coming out of his mouth. One minute I was like “yeah…I am. I know”. The next minute I was offended.
Sometimes I don’t give a damn that people think I’m weird. Then there are times I just want to bottle up all that crazy energy. Only when I am in an especially good mood and around cool people would I release the quirky into the atmosphere for all to enjoy.
Most of the guys I have dated loved how silly I was early in the relationship. I was fun and we had fun. They were the ones who later became very serious and my quirky behavior was no longer amusing to them. This has happened in every single one of my relationships. Let me clarify. I have a serious side too. I know when to be respectful in the right moments. What I realized is that the guys I was with weren’t right for me. They weren’t right for me if they couldn’t embrace all of me.
I was supposed to be married a few years ago. My ex enjoyed me so much in the first years. As we talked more about marriage he started to drift away. I was so hurt and confused. He later confessed that our relationship would be better if I became… less me. I didn’t understand what that meant. Weren’t we fun together? Didn’t we have an awesome partnership? What happened! I don’t know what happened. All I know is he walked away and I was in pain. I had to learn the hard way that my silly ways weren’t going to be acceptable in my relationships.
I stopped. I stopped my crazy ways in my relationships. I became boring. I turned into the person I never wanted to be to please others. Suddenly, I restrained myself from becoming too excited about random things. I no longer shared my desires. The boring girl is who I was until about two years ago. I finally started to open up again. The guys I dated were different and they kind of liked me for me. What really made the difference for me was when I became infatuated with someone. I had a guy that I started to really like. He reminded me of the guys I had crushes on in college. My infatuation with him was fun and ridiculous at the same time.
My relationship ended. My infatuation with him grew. What I had with this guy never turned into anything serious. I knew it wouldn’t and it didn’t need to – I was just grateful I met him. He was fun to be around and made me feel better about myself. We were just friends, and he never made me feel bad for my quirky side. He would laugh when I would get excited about ridiculous things. I missed that. I missed how it felt to be around a guy who appreciated all the facets of my personality.
Thanks to him I feel like I have started to truly find myself again. I won’t lock up all of myself anymore. I won’t be afraid to let my freak flag fly. Next year I will open myself up with people. I will be completely authentic.