Yes, I have a “secret”. I guess it’s a secret. Well, my secret is that I hurt someone. I hurt someone I cared about very much. He was a person who was becoming a friend. He is no longer in my life and I regret it. I messed up because I wasn’t honest with myself or him. I was afraid of the feelings I was starting to have for this person.
This happens to me often – I don’t express my feelings when I care about someone. The issue is that I leave them confused about where they stand. I thought I was doing better with expressing my feelings. Well, apparently I am not.
Hurting someone is not fun. It was never my intention to hurt this person and I don’t know if this person will ever forgive me. I was more afraid of putting myself out there and being vulnerable and having my friendship rejected. I hate being vulnerable. I don’t like being the woman who needs help or cries. I hate it!!!
The situation taught me that I have to start opening up to people. I guess being vulnerable at the right time with the right person is not the worst thing in the world. More importantly, I don’t want to have someone think I am not trustworthy or honest. If someone is being vulnerable with me…I should do the same. I have to let this supposedly “tough” facade go and just be the best person I need to be to make a connection in that moment.
I believe I missed out on a nice friendship because I was afraid to reveal my real thoughts. I was making a connection with this person – and then it was all over because I turned awkward. I don’t want to do that again. This has been one of the most revealing lessons I learned in 2016.
I liked this person more than I wanted to admit to in the moment. Life is very unexpected. It is very possible I may never see this person again. I should have just thought of it that way. If someone wants to know your thoughts and feelings – just tell them everything. If they don’t have the same feelings it is OK. Rejection sucks but you can get over it – even the rejection of a friendship. It is so much harder to not be real and hold everything in while watching them walk away. It isn’t fair to you or the other person to not at least give them a chance to be open with you. I didn’t give this other person a chance to be open with me and I wasn’t open with him.
The thought of how everything played out hurts me. I don’t want the person to forever think I was this evil, rude, and inconsiderate person. I hope he has privately forgiven me for everything. I am not this horrible person he may think I am. I promise I am not. I am a sometimes shy and scared person. That’s the truth. What I want this person to know is that I did learn my lesson thanks to him. I really did. I want him to know I wish him the best with the next stage in his journey. Maybe he will magically figure out I have been writing about him and think of me and smile.
Life is interesting.