I Have A Secret.

Yes, I have a “secret”.  I guess it’s a secret.  Well, my secret is that I hurt someone.  I hurt someone I cared about very much.  He was a person who was becoming a friend.   He is no longer in my life and I regret it.  I messed up because I wasn’t honest with myself or him.  I was afraid of the feelings  I was starting to have for this person.

This happens to me often – I don’t express my feelings when I care about someone.   The issue is that I leave them confused about where they stand.  I thought I was doing better with expressing my feelings.  Well, apparently I am not.

Hurting someone is not fun.  It was never my intention to hurt this person and I don’t know if this person will ever forgive me.  I was more afraid of putting myself out there and being vulnerable and having my friendship rejected.  I hate being vulnerable.  I don’t like being the woman who needs help or cries.  I hate it!!!

The situation taught me that I have to start opening up to people.  I guess being vulnerable at the right time with the right person is not the worst thing in the world.  More importantly, I don’t want to have someone think I am not trustworthy or honest.   If someone is being vulnerable with me…I should do the same.  I have to let this supposedly “tough” facade go and just be the best person I need to be to make a connection in that moment.

I believe I missed out on a nice friendship because I was afraid to reveal my real thoughts. I was making a connection with this person – and then it was all over because I turned awkward.  I don’t want to do that again.  This has been one of the most revealing lessons I learned in 2016.

I liked this person more than  I wanted to admit to in the moment. Life is very unexpected.  It is very possible I may never see this person again. I should have just thought of it that way. If someone wants to know your thoughts and feelings – just tell them everything.  If they don’t have the same feelings it is OK.  Rejection sucks but you can get over it – even the rejection of a friendship.  It is so much harder to not be real and hold everything in while watching them walk away.  It isn’t fair to you or the other person to not at least give them a chance to be open with you.  I didn’t give this other person a chance to be open with me and I wasn’t open with him.

The thought of how everything played out hurts me.  I don’t want the person to forever think I was this evil, rude, and inconsiderate person.  I hope he has privately forgiven me for everything. I am not this horrible person he may think I am.  I promise I am not.  I am a sometimes shy and scared person. That’s the truth.  What I want this person to know is that I did learn my lesson thanks to him.  I really did.  I want him to know I wish him the best with the next stage in his journey. Maybe he will magically figure out I have been writing about him and think of me and smile.

Life is interesting.

 

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