The System That Scares Me

Studies have been done on human behavior for decades.  Why do some people believe the glass is half empty while other think it is half full? How does nature versus nurture affect us?  I grew up asking myself these questions.  I was sure I was going to college to study psychology.  In college I only took two psychology classes and did not continue.

Journalism became my choice of possible future profession.  The study of human behavior never left me.  I studied journalism for three years, but eventually obtained an English degree.  I knew the two worlds would collide.  I loved to write and I loved the human mind in all of its glory.

I liked someone for awhile.  I liked him a lot. I liked him so much it scared me because I don’t do feelings well.  I can be excited and sad.  If any other emotions pop up I use a pin to deflate it like a balloon.  I live in limbo sometimes because of my lack of acknowledging when I care too much.  Vulnerability is not allowed to be apart of my DNA.

Human behavior is complex.  We are all a product of our family, environment, society, religious beliefs, biology, etc.  Does the fact that I am a woman affect my life and the decisions I make?  Do people react to me differently because I am only 5’1 and appear unimposing?

I am experimented on everyday.  The system tells me who I am supposed to be.  Am I supposed to believe it?  When a guy tell me I am ugly – who has the power at that point? Does his opinion trump how I am supposed to feel about myself?  Why does he think his opinion should make me suddenly put on makeup or change my hair color?  It all bothers me.  Yes, sometimes my self-esteem is still tied into what others say.  I can’t deny it.

A few weeks ago I was at a bar with a friend.  A drunk guy approached us because he was trying to flirt with my friend.  He tried to be nice to me as well because everyone knows that makes him look better, right?  The problem is that he was too drunk to be tactful.  He told me I looked like I just got off from work because I was dressed too covered up for a bar.  I was “a prude”.  He said other idiotic things as well.  He talked about the election and how great Trump was and I was annoyed.  It was a bar – he was drunk and he shouldn’t have mentioned anything about the election because he wasn’t sober enough to have an intelligent conversation about anything.  I let him know this without cracking a smile.  He said he was only joking.  It wasn’t funny/amusing at all.  He said I couldn’t take a joke.  I can take jokes – I just couldn’t stand him at that moment.

I let this guy get to me.  It scared me on a certain level.  I let this guy get to me!  I usually work really hard at not allowing others get under my skin.  It especially bothered me because I didn’t know this guy at all and likely will never see him again.  Why did I even care about anything he said?  Why didn’t I just laugh at his ridiculousness?!

The same way I run when I care too much for a guy.  The same way I clam up when he looks at me too long.  I can’t understand his words because I only see his eyes.  So I walk away from them before my heart caves in.


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