A Transitioning Self

I am not sure of the picture I paint of myself.  What do you do when you want to be strong but feel so weak?  I know I am always a work in progress.

There was a guy I met recently who I thought would become a friend.  After several conversations I really thought he would be a cool guy to get to know better. My theory was wrong. He was an OK guy, but after several conversations I guess I didn’t turn out to be the companion he was seeking.  This has happened a lot lately.

I believe people have “buyer’s remorse” after getting to know me.  Apparently I am awesome to be around – all smiles, funny and eccentric for like a few months and then I turn into Ms. Hyde.  This hurts because I know for sure I am no monster.  I am unpredictable like weather off the Ohio River in Kentucky.

Everyone has good days and bad days and I am no different.  Sometimes I am excited about a new adventure for the day and sometimes I just want to sit on the couch and watch HGTV.  Is this not normal?

Lately, I feel like a lot is happening around me and I can’t keep up.  This has never happened to me before and it has been a challenge.  I feel the most lost I have ever felt in my life.  I really don’t know where to go for relief…there are no more corners to hide in so I have to build myself up to just deal with my issues.  I don’t have the tools to deal with all these situations.  No one taught me.  My parents did the best they could, but at this point in my life a lot of it is just juggling things on my own.

My parents will not be around forever so I have had to stand on my own two feet more than ever.  In one sense it is great to have the power in my own hands over my life.  Yet, in another sense it is terrifying.  I am no longer twelve – if I make a mistake it could be life-altering.  My parents can not shield me from anything any more.  Trust me that I knew all of this ten years ago.  Yet, it is more visible to me currently because I see how my parents are slowing down.  I know they don’t have the best eyesight anymore.

People around me are leaving – either moving off to big cities or dying.  When you see people you love transitioning it makes you realize none of us are going to be here forever.  I do want to leave a legacy. I don’t know what kind of legacy but I want my family to be proud of me in five years.  I want to accomplish great things that will help someone in the future.

Most importantly to me I want people to believe I am not a fraud.  I have difficulties just like anyone else.  I just chose not to discuss it with everyone.  It doesn’t mean I want to smile all the time.

I have had some major challenges the past year.   I haven’t smiled much and I miss it.  Can I admit to missing my own smile? People always used to tell me I had the best smile.  Well, it hasn’t been seen in a long time.  Not a genuine smile.  I walk around with a frown and look grumpy and I don’t mean to.  I don’t like the picture I am painting of myself now.

I am working on being a better person so people will see there is more to me.  I am no Ms. Hyde.  I am a complex person but not complicated.  I don’t want to make things more complicated than they have to be.  I am learning to change that about myself.    Work…still in progress.  The goal is to gain my confidence back that I lost a year ago.  Moving forward- that is the name of the game.

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