This Last Thing…

I struggle sometimes with expressing certain emotions. I can express happiness fine.  When I am confused or sad I hit a wall.  It is very troublesome for me to admit I don’t always know the next best step or that I am very sad or upset.  I don’t like confrontations with people.  Talking about things that bother me is uncomfortable.  The state of being uncomfortable is the worst feeling for me.

There is someone who I never got around to formally apologizing to for my behavior.  It took me quite a while to understand how my behavior may have effected this person.  I wasn’t thinking properly at the time because I was so filled with sadness over my personal struggles.

I wasn’t sure if what the person and I was a friendship.   We were friendly but I was unsure if we had crossed over to being friends.  Therefore, I was hesitant in how I interacted with the person.  Have you ever been in a situation where you think you are friends with a person, but you end up finding out they only see you as an acquaintance?  It can be hurtful to find out a person you really like and want to know better  doesn’t see the relationship with you the same way at all.  Well, that is what happened with this person.  I think the person liked me as a person and tried to be friendly – but not necessarily want to be my friends.

I started to like this person very much after my interactions with him.  I really did want to get to know him better.  I wanted to discuss books and music with this person.  I think we had quite a lot in common.  We had nice talks.  Unfortunately, I soon found out some news that I was going to have to deal with some things in my personal life.   The news caused me to become very sad and I don’t deal with sadness well at all.

Over time I became a bitter little pill.  This person really did try to be understanding at first.  Yet, my bizarre behavior didn’t make sense to him.  I appreciate that the person did attempt to ask me what was going on (in their own way).  Unfortunately, I was disconnected at that point.

Enough time has passed now that I think the truth about everything was revealed for both parties.   I just hope now the person has a better understanding that my behavior was not because I was angry at him for anything.  I couldn’t handle my emotions at the time.  I distanced myself because I was scared.  I can admit that now.

It’s true that I had feelings for this person.  Yet, I came across all wrong.  I think the person was afraid of me and thought I wanted more than a friendship.  I think the person  didn’t want me to feel rejected so distanced themselves instead of dealing with me.  This is the thing: I think it is very possible to like someone a lot without wanting to be in a relationship with them.  I may have written/said/did some silly things but I didn’t mean any of it to be cruel. I was being silly and joking around.  I don’t take myself as seriously as people think.  Despite my silliness – I really had hoped the other person ‘got me’ and we could be friends.  There was a short period in the middle of all of this I liked this person a little more than friends.  I wish we could be friends now, but I understand why we can’t.  In the end I think everything was handled well and we can all move on not feeling bad about anything anymore.  I am so grateful for that.



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