I struggle sometimes with expressing certain emotions. I can express happiness fine. When I am confused or sad I hit a wall. It is very troublesome for me to admit I don’t always know the next best step or that I am very sad or upset. I don’t like confrontations with people. Talking about things that bother me is uncomfortable. The state of being uncomfortable is the worst feeling for me.
There is someone who I never got around to formally apologizing to for my behavior. It took me quite a while to understand how my behavior may have effected this person. I wasn’t thinking properly at the time because I was so filled with sadness over my personal struggles.
I wasn’t sure if what the person and I was a friendship. We were friendly but I was unsure if we had crossed over to being friends. Therefore, I was hesitant in how I interacted with the person. Have you ever been in a situation where you think you are friends with a person, but you end up finding out they only see you as an acquaintance? It can be hurtful to find out a person you really like and want to know better doesn’t see the relationship with you the same way at all. Well, that is what happened with this person. I think the person liked me as a person and tried to be friendly – but not necessarily want to be my friends.
I started to like this person very much after my interactions with him. I really did want to get to know him better. I wanted to discuss books and music with this person. I think we had quite a lot in common. We had nice talks. Unfortunately, I soon found out some news that I was going to have to deal with some things in my personal life. The news caused me to become very sad and I don’t deal with sadness well at all.
Over time I became a bitter little pill. This person really did try to be understanding at first. Yet, my bizarre behavior didn’t make sense to him. I appreciate that the person did attempt to ask me what was going on (in their own way). Unfortunately, I was disconnected at that point.
Enough time has passed now that I think the truth about everything was revealed for both parties. I just hope now the person has a better understanding that my behavior was not because I was angry at him for anything. I couldn’t handle my emotions at the time. I distanced myself because I was scared. I can admit that now.
It’s true that I had feelings for this person. Yet, I came across all wrong. I think the person was afraid of me and thought I wanted more than a friendship. I think the person didn’t want me to feel rejected so distanced themselves instead of dealing with me. This is the thing: I think it is very possible to like someone a lot without wanting to be in a relationship with them. I may have written/said/did some silly things but I didn’t mean any of it to be cruel. I was being silly and joking around. I don’t take myself as seriously as people think. Despite my silliness – I really had hoped the other person ‘got me’ and we could be friends. There was a short period in the middle of all of this I liked this person a little more than friends. I wish we could be friends now, but I understand why we can’t. In the end I think everything was handled well and we can all move on not feeling bad about anything anymore. I am so grateful for that.