The struggle is real. I still fight insecurities everyday concerning my looks, why I don’t have a house, or have not gotten married. The truth is that I am who I am. No, I don’t look at 35 the same way I did at 25 or even 30. My face is soft but life also created some wrinkles. I am dark around my eyes and look tired often. My skin has always been bad. I have eczema flare-ups when I’m stressed. It would be nice if more people thought more of me than the dark spots they see. In 2016, I pledged I would better myself in every way. I want people to see “me” in all of my nonsensical glory. The insecurities over the years is what has brought me back to my writing and wanting to eventually publish the book I am working on now.
A blemish on my record started with the recession. The recession hit me like a ton of bricks back in 2008. I had a comfortable life until it all came crashing down in August of that year. It has taken years to climb out of the hole. The jobs I took were not the best but it was work until something better came along. There was no way I could have known it would take almost eight years for the “something better” job to come into my life. While I worked tirelessly to create a decent life for myself during those years I didn’t get to save. There was no money to save for a rainy day or a condo/house. Envy barely describes how I felt watching my peers move along in their careers. Many of my friends moved away in their mid-20s to big cities so they have their dream life. They obviously made good decisions because they are all doing very well now ten years later.
One of my biggest regrets is not moving away when I was 26. I wanted to move away many times in my late 20s. I had opportunities and passed on them because of fear. Somewhere in time I convinced myself I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t attractive or smart so I couldn’t make it in Chicago, D.C., or Los Angeles. No one would ever want me.
There was no man who could be bothered with me for too long either. I was too independent, unattractive, not submissive enough, too ambitious, or not enough of a domestic. I was too busy trying to build a career to concern myself with being the next Betty Crocker. My relationships failed because I was too feminine and not feminine enough at the appropriate times.
All of these thoughts led to my book. I have a book that has been in the works (in my my head) for over ten years. A few months ago I decided I was actually going to sit down and really make it something real . I do believe there are many women who have lived in my flats (sometimes heels). Therefore, a lot of my time and energy will be focused on this book about finding yourself and loving yourself despite setbacks. I will follow up with my writing progress. My deadline to finish is May…on to it!!!
Grit shows true nature
Pull yourself up. . .dust off quick
Settle in your skin