This has been a very challenging year. I went through so many transformations. A multitude of emotions took over me for several months. I don’t know what the future holds for me. 2015 was supposed to be transformative in a positive way. Yet, my light dimmed early in the year. I lost my focus and certain situations made me question my abilities.
My belief in myself has been put to the ultimate test lately. I have been facing some of my biggest fears and crying the whole time. Crying is not something I do often so it has been a big deal. I hurt like anyone else though I choose to not display it.
No one likes to be misunderstood or made to feel uncomfortable. I was in a constant state of being uncomfortable the second half of the year. I didn’t feel like myself after my surgery. I cried almost every day and just wanted to disappear. How do you explain to people that you want to disappear without revealing the details of why. Well…I just want to let people know that things get tough, you pray, and surround yourself with supportive people.
I push people away when I’m hurting. I always think that it is best for them and me. The problem is that people who are my real friends totally get it, give me my space but still offer their support, and leave me to go through my process until I feel better. They don’t take anything personal and don’t get mad at me. A few others who I started to like and had hoped would become real friends reacted very differently. Truth – I was not pleasant. I was rude at times with certain people who did not deserve it. I was so ashamed by my behavior. The hurt was pushing itself on me and turned into negative behavior.
Perhaps it was a lesson to be learned – true friends will be understanding. If someone doesn’t realize that your suddenly odd behavior is because something else is going on and they take it all personal… it reveals more about them than you. I realized some people really weren’t interested in being my friend. The hurt grew.
I’m praying and working on being more hopeful for 2016. I need all kinds of encouragement. I want to put a little more of myself out there if it can help someone heal. We all need healing from something.
All the best to everyone in 2016.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!