What a joy it is to be around positive people. I think I used to be one of those people. Now I don’t know where I am. See . . . I am searching for some positive spirits to take over my body. I don’t like negativity. I don’t like myself when I’m negative.
I have been praying more for peace within my own life. Some scores have to be settled soon. There have been several incidents that have upset me. It is so difficult to not let certain people get the best of you. I’m really tying to not let other people rule me. Sometimes I don’t even like having emotions. I think it would be easier to not care because then you don’t get hurt or sad.
The worst thing anyone ever told me is that sometimes I seem stoic. I was in the middle of an upsetting experience about a year ago. The woman I was in conversation with questioned how I could just sit there without crying. “Do you feel anything? Does anything ever bother you?” she questioned. She was appalled by my behavior. No one had ever questioned me on this behavior before and I didn’t know how to react. Ironically, I was very upset but kept it hidden.
I had an interesting conversation with my brother recently about this. I told him that sometimes people don’t take me well. They don’t understand how I think and assume I’m being mean when I’m not. I think because I am a woman I am expected to be overly expressive, sensitive, and empathetic. I am sensitive and empathetic but just not in the way that most people think a woman should act. I’m not the first person that will run up to you with a hug when you get bad news. I will let you talk about it, pray for you and buy you lunch.
I told my brother I meet men more sensitive than me all the time. These men confuse me. I admit this is a flaw of mine. I wrongly assumed for many years that men can’t be sensitive and none wear there hearts on their sleeves. I was a hypocrite because I would get angry with anyone that assumed because I was a woman I should be treated with pink, kid gloves.
I’m doing better now. I know I have to be careful with certain people’s feelings. Everyone processes things differently. Some men are sensitive and some women are not the crying type. It doesn’t make either person bad. We all have to get to know a person and spend genuine time with them to understand how they operate. When we don’t do this, we end up in upsetting situations where we are misunderstood and lose friendships.